b.hwee

2006-02-28T19:30:00.000+08:00

the results of the 2oO5 cambridge advanced level examinations will be out in approx 19 hours. i am very very very scared.

2006-02-24T23:49:00.001+08:00

you are Pocahantas

Free-spirited and wise. You have a strong passionate spirit that touches and changes all who know you. The wisdom and common sense that you have is really what guides you through life. Even so, you also have a very playful side that loves adventure and excitement.

2006-02-22T01:56:00.000+08:00

is in the silence that many things become clearer; the startling stupidity of the self, and then others. maybe is true then, what they always say, about guys having clearer perceptions of things. maybe all this time of believing we all did believe in what it stood for, that we knew each other and trusted enough to know true intentions, is all bullshit. so the next time i say you suck, maybe you should actually believe it. and then we will all hate each other and let that mark the way that this chapter ends. and so we will sing on, what a wonderful world. =)

2006-02-22T00:46:00.000+08:00

spare me the obligatory courtesy. i'll take upfront nonchalance anytime.

then again, maybe not.

2006-02-14T01:13:00.000+08:00

scary thing is everything gets that way after awhile. even the song can begin to tire and not seem as meaningful any longer. the stabbing starts to numb than provoke, and as you keep going back in, you realise there is little left to be felt. good thing bad thing, it doesnt really matter, since nothing ever did in the first place anyway. to prove that a matter has magnetic qualities, attraction is insufficient since metal can have induced magnetism from another magnetic material. and so repulsion is the only thing that can aptly prove that a material is magnetised. likewise for people who make you smile;

not that it matters. even they become little more than irritating drips of moisture after time. so let's all of us sit down and wait for evaporation to commence. since science triumphs and all. is the enlightenment enlarged and yellowified. sort of garish, sort of bright

2006-02-05T22:19:00.000+08:00

my dad has alw alw listened to 95.8fm, a chi radio station. they played largely the same kind of songs, standard chinese oldies, but of the songs, 1 of them i have always liked. it was faye wong's song, of a love for this person who is extremely important to the persona. it's simple, but somehow i just liked it very much. i alw woke up at 630 for school, from pri 6 to sec2, and this song played sometimes at about 620 when it was around time for me to wake up for school. so i would be listening to it in my state of half-reality, half-dreams, and the tune would linger for the first few seconds when i woke, and then it was on to the day's tasks.

the first time i heard the song, i was around pri3, 9 years old. 10 years, ive tried in vain to catch the title of the song, 10 years. and then suddenly, as i was searching for hong dou amongst faye wong's collection of best songs, the title "ren jian" just stood out. i clicked on 'shi ting' (trial play), and the very song i had listened to in the early hours of the morning, all those years ago, began to play. i can never describe how i felt at that moment. ever.

2006-01-27T11:06:00.000+08:00

is the sudden torrent of emotions, exceedingly contradicting and yet weirdly complementing as they are, that brings about the sudden chill you feel in your hands, the inexplicable need to look down as if n reverie of all unsaid wonders. it is then you realise all troubles and all worries are mere dust, microscopic organisms better left to fade to blank. just blank. pick up that cloth now, torn and tattered as it is, and wipe the slate clean slowly. past the cracks, past the ineradicable stains, past all former cares and forgotten fears. because this is the closest you will ever get to have a shot at a new life, and no one throws such an opportunity away. feel it, feel it. it is coming. dreams do reflect reality; it just matters how much, and which spectrum. uncalled for katharsis, unprecedented tears

dear qlx, please, please don't die...

2006-01-26T11:02:00.001+08:00

i like e walking. tts bout it. so how now?...

2006-01-26T11:02:00.000+08:00

i like e walking. tts bout it. so how now?...

2006-01-23T11:01:00.000+08:00

is like you do have something to say, and yet you dont want to, if only for the reason that you're afraid that the legacy will be broken, the flow interrupted, if you so much as uttered a word. and so you keep you silence, sit this in, and everyone else continues thinking you have nothing to say.

and i'm wondering what you're dreaming; wondering if it's me you're seeing.i just wanna stay with you in this moment forever; for ever and ever

i love my new phone. is those passionate love, leh. lol.. and i love e hp accessory i put on it. also those passionate kind, leh. haha.. life has been good. fattening, broke, insanely busy, but good. earn spend earn spend earn spend. the day of getting results is drawing nearer, but lets not go there yet. enhui said tt this time, it will b farewell for real; no more congregation of the 04/05 batch of tpjcians forever. maybe im too caught up in work now, or maybe ive fnally learnt not to care as everyone else so obviously is doing, but either way, it doesnt quite matter if i take pics with so-and-so on the day, or not. cause those who should matter, i will matter to them too, rights? lol..

they want us to not be so close, to doubt each other, to doubt everyone else. but i do believe that true friendships can stand this test, if not all tests. somehow with all due to what ive learnt, i sort of regret taking that step that day.. no matter though, it cant be reversed, as with all choices made. we'll all just have to walk on and see what else there is to come.

i do appreciate the things and people i have around me. is like suddenly freed from loving those who dont deserve it, i love those who do more than ever. stupid right. haha. i love acbc and im so excited for the reunion dinner on wed (!!!!!!!!). i love siewfang n shuangshuang like crazy. i love siteng tho we nvr meet up for some time alr. i love zzpy (!!!!!). i love my bro. i love my sis. i love my dad more than anyone else, me incl, in the world. and most importantly, im learning, albeit slowly, to love myself again. oh, the lost days of hedonism are coming back, ha. cliche as it is, i do think im learning to love myself again. and thats good, cos as shell said, if u don love ureself, who else would? so i will love myself. get ready to love me people. lol

have a nice day and take care and remember to smile at least once a day! =))

2006-01-13T00:44:00.000+08:00

GAIA GAIA GAIA
BRIGHT GREEN ALL GREEN GLORIOUS
BROTHER FAR AWAY
MISS YOU SISTER LOVE LOVE LOVE

2006-01-06T01:04:00.000+08:00

when it feels like the world is ending, when things that couldnt go any worse do just that, when loneliness rears its head at your most vulnerable, when help is near but the effort to reach out for that hand could kill, when nothing seems right except to hide in a corner and cover yourself up for ever and ever, when the brightest hues mutate to black in the blink of an eye

close your eyes, and sing on, sing on, because the tunes might soothe and the lyrics might serve as the much needed solace. because there is nothing and no one else to lean on, because intangibility has turned from an intriguing mystery to and ugly truth.

3 random facts about me, just for laughs. i have pink ear studs, i am 171 cm tall and i hate my mother to the fucking core. now bring on the canned laughter

2006-01-06T00:09:00.000+08:00

In no particular order, list down

1. 3 people you talk to online
2. 4 people you see at school
3. 2 teachers
4. 3 people you love going out with
5. 3 people in your sms inbox

1. hx
2. cassie
3. ky
4. siteng
5. becca
6. chief
7. fiona
8. shuang
9. ms kon
10. ms lam
11. june
12. shell
13. siew fang
14. weiquan
15. nab
16. zl

what do u think of 4?
siteng. i love her to bits and bits, even tho we rarely meet. bits and bits and bits. haha

how would u feel if 2 slapped your face?
cassie. i dont think she ever will la ah. haas.. if she does, den.. i duno. max stun.

on a scale of 1 to 10, how good looking do u think 6 is?
chief!! i think hes v gd looking loh. haha. 7

how nice is 8?
shuang shuang~~ v v nice. to me anw, haas

if 9 met w an accident, what would u do?
ms kon. omg i duno. shes 1 of my fav teachers can..

wld i ever fall for 11?
june. please. im e straightest person u will ever know. can. hahaa

what sport wld i play w 12?
shell. is dancing a sport? yes. so ya dancing. haas

how much do i like 3?
ky. hmmm e only online friend i keep in contact w. nt bad la

wld 13 n 7 make a gd couple?
fiona n siewfang. HAHAHAHAHAHA

do i hate 5?
becca. my direct junior in odac. i love her la.

would 14 kill me one day?
weiquan. with the girls-are-useless routine, high possibility.

who do i like more, 15 or 10?
ms lam and nab. i love both la. the thoughtful maths tutor and the dear dear hole.

2006-01-04T01:23:00.000+08:00

haven really gone to e sch webby for some time, i think e recreation part is quite interesting actually. for example, the poison arrow frog actually has enough venom to kill 2200 pple, which is herhhhhhhhhh. and e quote of e day for today is also v meaningful i think. "Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt and dance like no one is watching." - Randall G Leighton . i duno. maybe all of us are too conscious of what others think, tt we forget we ourselves shld b e ones who determine what and how we do things, tt constraints might instd b self-imposed rather than otherwise as we thought to be

i dont really know how things are, perhaps because i delved in too early, as i always do cause i think (read: think) the first judgement i make is infallibly accurate. hence the dilemma now.. objectively, of course i can see that the best way is as always to leave, but.. bah. beentheredonethat, things i cannot do, i shall not force.

anyhoos, lots of pple gg into ns le, time flies man. cant imagine all of them botak, much less donning e green uniform n marching. lol... let the last be a good one, and beginnings be good too. as to endings, ohwell everything i guess, who doesnt want success, yet how would it seem sweet without former pain of failure..?

life has sort of dwindled to the few same things, but yet the reduced parameters have made it easier to enjoy the little pleasures of life. gray areas can never be totally done away with i guess, cause perhaps the shades are what make the mystery more intriguing, the stolen moments of happiness more saturated with poignancy. so as does ashes to ashes, like dust to dust, fly we will, and fly we must

have a great 2oO6 pples

2005-12-30T00:15:00.000+08:00

maybe is true, the questioning of it all. cause who are we to say all these too, when we are fully aware of the barely veiled rage that reigns within us, that does not always have an attributable reason. i dont know, is like the more i learn of the less i know i am aware about. the swirling of colours is starting to blind me, maybe D has the best, to see only the colours of people, so that we know who to go with, who to avoid. that would sure save us alot of trouble. getting hurt and stuffs. although spending childhood in an asylum eating nameless brown goo is hardly the most attractive prospect in the world, but then again, neither is being stalked or dealing with the many pitholes of interpersonal relationships.

2005-12-28T02:00:00.000+08:00

work at banquet has been quite fun, tiring but is the good kind. so tts v gd, haas. but still hope can find another job to fill e gaps ba. cos once e sat lessons end a few weeks aft, den ya loh. quite free alr. not good.

someone; many someones, once told me the best way to forget is to have another one. and...i duno if this is. or is not. but somehow i dont want it to be, i want to stay here. but maybe i will eventually leave, seeing as there is no one, has been no one, where i wanted there to be

shi jie mo ri by jay chou is damn nice. e thing abt his songs is the pure poignancy of emotion within the lyrics. translation of them into english somehow kills the effect tho, i think.

let us all be happy, that will be enough. =)

2005-12-24T01:47:00.000+08:00

because of you - kelly clarkson

Because of you I never strayed too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you I find it hard to trust, not only me,but everyone around me
Because of you, I am afraid

I lose my way, and its not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry, because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh, every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break, when it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you I'm ashamed of my life, because its empty
Because of you, I am afraid

Because of you..

2005-12-24T01:15:00.000+08:00

i don usually use vulgarities, but ya SCREW THE MOTHERFUCKER WHO IS HACKING MY COMPUTER.

thanks to june loh hwee peng who has been reading tons of bimbotic books, im beginning to get caught up in the frenzy too. just for the record though i m still reading meaningful novels. so yes. i am NOT a bimbo or airhead or dumb blonde. ok. anw jus for e record i went to library@orchard today, n i realised tt e supposed "art gallery" idunowho told me was on e top floors of e place zara is at, i duno wisma or taka, is not. it is a library. lol

saw e phone i planned to get, e pink panasonic (cos e pnik moto's too ex), but got attracted to another one instd. samsung sth. is black n plays mp3s n has bluetooth n can tke videos. and no, i duno wad model it is. but anyhoos, if my sis lets me use her line to get a mobile upgrade (i'll mke her), den its 398 for e phone. which was e price of e pink panasonic anw, n its better, its black, n its small. n flip. n samsung, so ya. sort of respect for e lost phone.

n these few days have been bloody freaking unlucky. it is called chuar sai dot com. lol.. special thanks to zzpy for the shared experience, now we won't be able to forget each other even if we want to, LOL

anyways it is xmas eve. already. cant believe it, as june n i were talking abt in her hse jus nw, is been a mth since a lvls ended, we r bloody reading for fun n eating toast at 10pm with NO STUDYING to go back to, and e only worry we have is to earn money. which isnt exactly spa-relaxing but ya. its so drastic a change it hasnt set in yet, not totally at least

i'll have to figure me out before the year ends, cause i think these 2 years have sort of mixed everything together until i cant discern e diff stuff alr. n its getting kind of confusing to feel contradicting emotions at e same time, like bitchy n sympathetic? lol. i duno. n e bimbo books actually have nuances to them. or im getting bimbotic. PUI PUI no. lol. bt seriously tho e way they're written r engaging, gotta gif tt to them

loads of sales gg on, cant buy a thing cos i owe pple 300 bucks in total, need 400 for e phone, 368 for e portfolio+comcards. so yes. i m negative 1068 bucks. thanks. divide tt by e 6 bucks i earn per hr at banquet is 178 hrs. 5 hrs per day so is approx 36 days. i work 3 days a week roughly so is 12 weeks which is 4 mths. so by e time i get these done it'll be freaking may. no need to save up for uni alr. thanks. lol. of cos i'll go get another job la, n pls pls let me haf an assignment. it is so turn off to go 4 auditions n nt get shortlisted. but ya tts e way things r i guess

written some stuffs actually, in e yellow notebook cos don really haf time to come n blog, but...duno wanna put here anot. haa. e whole annonymity thing is threatened. i hope no one gave this webby to other pple yes. hehs. but nvm la, i think tt was just coincidence only. it better be man.... blah. anw xmas eve isnt a time for deep stuffs. is time to b happy for a change maybe for some, continuation for others. no matter, jus let every1 b happy yes =) =)

merry xmas eve every1, haf a great great great xmas eve n xmas n boxing day yes yes. ^^v

2005-12-22T01:43:00.000+08:00

no one's there to correct you anymore, it's free reins from now on. and somehow, someway, this newfound freedom doesn't quite measure up to what you thought it would be, because the huge sense of space could mean more than the control you perceived there would only be. because it feels so much more like loneliness, and it shouldn't. and because you can only think of one interpretation of things this time, and you would rather it not be the right one

the small yellow flower from the story, floating along since the day of birth. the childhood swing, swaying with all the passing of time till now.. simple presentations of days gone by, and yet they signify so much, so much more

2005-12-17T00:48:00.000+08:00

self-drowning. it works; trust me. anything but this, anything but this will do.

the storyline wasnt very clear, methinks. i didnt really get the crux of the short story, its sort of like the rain collector piece; nothing's really happening, just enough to know you're supposed to be getting something from the non-activity. closest to a lit tutorial as i can get, from now on. self-delusion of sorts, ha. ohwells

envy sucks. if only it didn't exist. is not that i am completely clueless as to what i have too, just human nature to always want more i guess. and maybe a little more in that sense for me. actually it is very simple to understand the reason. is the intangible compensation; maybe that's why im staying too, maybe thats why none of us are moving.

its my first day at banquet tml. and my 2nd day of menses. i suddenly feel like drinking a cold drink.

2005-12-13T00:41:00.000+08:00

is like the flabby. you cant see it and so maybe people think it doesn't exist, but it's there. and it's visible. it just depends on whether you choose to look at it or not. i guess that's all there is to it, though the implications are far far more complicated

2005-12-07T18:56:00.000+08:00

there was this quote i wanted to blog from the book ive just finished reading (the 6th since i finished e last paper), nina:adolescence by amy hassinger. i put this little fold in the page the quote was at, but when i went back to it, icouldnt remember which line it was that stood out as i read it anymore.

the book is about this girl going through adolescence physically and psychologically, and as she poses nude for her mother (who's a realist painter), the transformation is stilled, recorded, and displayed, at the first ever art exhibition her mother holds after the death of nina's little brother, jonas.

i always get remnants of the ideas of books inside when ive just finished reading them, and right now the whole idea of contained sexuality, and how it intrigues and bewilders paradoxically or consequently. the whole mystery of the way the human psyche works, and the blend of visual and linguistic art forms through the embodiment of the novel. it's nice, i think. im addicted to this, the entire ride you go on as you're transported to another different world where even colours and experiences are sharper, magnified, and more interesting, somehow. than what im doing now, than what im feeling now.

dreamers dream dream, dream you way from dream to dream, only to realise you've lost touch with reality. and so nothing's left to be done, than to continue dreaming, till the end of eternity and beyond, because the boundary of eternity is only true in reality

2005-12-07T01:24:00.000+08:00

it's not that i have a personality split that emerges when i blog or club or whatever. it's that i'm not always the same, as no one ever is. so face it already. all you have to do is ask, really. i'd gladly answer. but please don't form stupid baseless conclusions drawn from stereotypes. that would be so disappointing.

2005-12-07T01:05:00.000+08:00

what was most striking of the painting was the barely veiled fear in her features. the sheer raw emotion of it all was just overwhelming. and that was what kept him coming back for more, more of it. more to feed on the contained katharsis, to draw the pure life from her self.

and yet she couldnt stop it, couldnt forbid her body from physically reacting to his advances. it was as though someone or something else was controlling her, pressing buttons that remained out of her reach. and so as he returned, she remained, in all of her shivering nakedness to invite him in over and over again. it would bring tears to the eyes, the saturation of emotions in these illicit meetings between man and child, except. except no one knew, except no one would ever know, except no one would ever care. because without them, she was alone. whatever happened, she would always be alone. and as the painting captured a still of a segment of life as she lived it, it did too the look from her eyes, the hatred of it all. the hatred of him for what he did to her, her hatred of herself for enjoying it even, and the hatred of the them who had told her of hope and of faith and of good, because nothing like that ever happened in her life, or ever will.

2005-12-07T00:50:00.000+08:00

hahas. there it is again, the i have alot to say but cant rem anything thing again. sucks man.. shooosh. everything's changing, everyone's leaving, it's only me and my thoughts in this great lonely hall, ohhhh~~

no it isnt a song. just something i thought of at e mo, lol. ohwells. we'll leave e deep shits to when i can rem what i wanna say for a change. ladies' night tml @ zouk w acbc, i so noe we're gonna haf loads of fun. i wan e top at e shop at cs! 2o bucks. donators pls leave a msg on my mobile. =D =D

2005-12-05T22:12:00.000+08:00

i don't know what to say. what to say without sounding pathetic. cause i feel pathetic. all through and through. no worries i won't go into a bout of self-pity. that's not how i do things. but sometimes you don't feel yourself and so everything you do seems wrong too. like anything and everything is wrong. i bit a hole in my tongue today, not the normal accidental bite, a hole that is deep and the flesh can actually be opened up. so ya, wonderful day today, yaaaay. don't ask me if i'm going to keep on going on like this, i really don't know. i just want to be alone.

2005-12-05T01:23:00.000+08:00

biao ge lan ah. hahaha. i still thnk its damn funny. but is damn true la, lol...

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY DEAR CASSE!!! i noe u loved e presents frm us, bcos we love u n its translated u c! u c u c!! hahaha

prom was great. lol. abit boring in e middle cos couldnt c wad was gg on onstage bt still ok la. surprisingly i only took 78 pics. sec4 prom i took 140+ hahaha. is ok la, e memories r there. n can alw ask frm other pple hehs

hoho, time has come loh.. for all the things i said i'd do, like work n stuff. yah hahas..

zouk next wed!! it'll b e first night out q acbc. i so noe we're gg to haf loads of fun heh heh heh. dancing partners unite, drinking partners tog! den junru will b 2-way partner. hahaha.

doolootdoolootdoolootdooloot. lol........

gg to teach alex n becca tml e stamimania stuffs. k la tts all haha bye

2005-12-02T13:23:00.000+08:00

5 and half hrs left to prom. lol. seems just like yesterday i was preparing to go for sec4 prom at holiday inn park view, and nw 2 yrs haf passed, ive finished my a levels and its time for another night of dressing up and picture takings and promises of keeping in touch which rarely go fulfilled but its the thought that counts anyway so ya.. anyhoos, had a tinge of nostalgia when i returned to school earlier in the morning to collect my leaving certificate and the prom ticket. i duno..suddenly so many people have dyed their hair and stuff, and its like..this is it. the true parting. i walked past the odac room for the last time, went to my locker, went into classrooms to get my question papers and saw new friends, old friends who came to the same jc as me, and..ya. everything ba..

after tonight we'll be parting our ways le, and even though some strings are left untied, i guess things have come to a point where it doesn't really matter anymore. i hope everyone finds their own path to take, and let all of us find our own meaning of our lives. haha, deep much? i duno. maybe just the thoughts ba. of everything. cause its like..yaloh.

yahs i guess tts abt it, gg to ctrl to meet nab, den gg grace's hse to get ready, sharing cab wif grace n elissa to e hotel, den maybe 4-odd hrs, and poof. another night of rememberance, finished just like that. time flies yes. so fast it gets difficult to grasp whole memories sometimes..i hope i'll be able to. for all of these 2 years. yup...

2005-12-01T18:42:00.000+08:00

tomorrow is prom!! AHHH!!!!!

haha. im gg for e postprom party at onefullerton, but gotta come back early. cant go book hotel room w grace n elissa le coz 1.e only reasonably priced hotel is hotel81, even tho its at town area e branch...but still. 2.i have e grooming class on saturday at 113o, and i'll b DEAD if im late. or look like shit. or worse, both. haha. so yah..i guess i'll try to reach home by 2 ba, latest 23o. gotta b sleeping by 3 latest or i'll never wake up.

i hope this time i get the assignment. i think its high time i repaid the debts and buy the loooong overdue presents. lol. gg to teach alex n becca e stamimania stuffs on mon, cant wait. i love odac! haha. duno, even if im e only one, im still sad that its all ending. yaloh..hais. okok think happy thoughts! think happy thoughts!

anyhoos. today was THE MOST SPASTIC day i have ever had. because we were supp to go tanning, june n i, so there we were at sentosa n celebrating coz no one was ard so we were by ourselves, den we put e tanning oil n laid down. den suddenly she said; "beehwee. look at the sky." and i was like "ohmygod. don tell me its gonna rain." at that precise moment, a gust of wind blew, and sand grains stucks themselves to us. no thanks to the oil for how they calimed homage on our skin. then we were like "ouch! that hurt!" cause e wind was rather strong,see. immdediately after that, the gust of wind built up and took revenge on our complaints by unceasingly blowing sand grains onto us. it was damn painful. and so there june was screaming "hen tong ! hen tong!" (very painful) and i was like "eh! wo zai bang ni dang ok!" (hey! im blocking it for u ok!) (cause i tilted myself so tt i could block most of the sandstorm. nice right! haha) and ya. it was freaking spastic. and we quickly gathered our clothes and stuff.

and then it started to rain.

i can hardly even begin to describe how spastc we looked, 2 of us in swimwear getting drenched and the stupid tanning oil making sure the sand stayed on us. and to make things worse, the toilet was quite a distance away. we cursed our way through our showers and i threw my bath towel away cause it was too heavy. and then we went out after packing our things n combing our hair n stuff

the sun was brightly.

we just looked at each other and then we started laughing our heads off. seriously. we paid 3 bucks to get blown by wind tt threw sand grains at us, stuck on us cos of the tanning oil, walk in the rain n get drenched in our attire, and bathe. at sentosa. wonderful, just wonderful! hahahaha

seriously though, it was damn funny. even tho i was super pissed off at first but still couldn't help laughing. hahahaa

oh yes. and we ate fried mars bar at far east. it is DAMN DAMN NICE. a m-u-s-t try for chocoholics. you will just faint. lol.

tomorrow is prom!! cant wait. i hope all of us have loads n loads of fun, to mark a beautiful closing for our jc and also school life. for real this time, but let's not go there. just keep the happy memories, and learn from the bad ones. im filled with love! haha. cant stand it. lol

2005-11-30T22:30:00.000+08:00

i thought somebody say dowan to care le, dowan to rem alr? stupid sia. really really dumb. cause to go back in would mean rewind and replay, of all the things you said you wanted to let go of. no one will pity you, because you don't deserve it, not even pity. not even pity...

i wish there wasn't any good before, because it'll make the bad easier to be focused upon. i wish longnecks will be the choice. i wish i could speed up, hasten the pace with which im leaving. cause its getting harder to leave

and you're not helping me...

2005-11-30T22:06:00.000+08:00

perhaps its the aftereffects. i dont know. ive been having dreams in which im gg to b late for a lvl papers, in various variations. the night before last, i dreamt that i was running twds the examination venue, and i was gg to b late. i tried as hard as i could to sprint, but for some unknown reason, my speed stayed at an agonising slow-mo series of motions. den all of a sudden i heard a deafening crash. a school bus had crashed into a car and there were children screaming, so many of them, the sound was just..unbearable. n den i thought, i had no time to go save them, i had to go to the exam hall. and so i turned my back on them and continued running, ever trying with all my heart and soul to sprint but always staying at that agonisingly slow speed. i looked at my watch. 20 mins left. then i realised i was in pe attire. i had to run home to get changed into full u. i would have to run my heart out to be in time. and try as i might, i could not speed up. i could not speed up at all. and then a jolt. and i woke.

its been like tt for a few nights alr. and in each dream, what i feel and do is real. as in real-life real. so ya. abit the scary ah. haha.

2005-11-26T23:25:00.000+08:00

i forgot how it felt like to be completely and totally bored. n its not a nice feeling to have. spent e last few days walking ard town until im sick of everything. spent every last cent i have n accumulated more debts. ate n ate. read memoirs of a geisha which is a nice bk btw. tts abt it.

i want an assignment. n o w ! !

banquet's trg will b nxt mth earliest. jun's job will haf to wait till tues b4 i noe if theres a vacancy. n e agency..well ya. obviously i m freaking free. i don like it. i like having stuff to do. even if its jus giving out flyers. i wan a job! i need the money! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

anw i decided i'll write at least a story. even tho im kind of scared coz e last story i ever wrote was "bra, the" which was in 1st 3 mths last yr. ya. but i'll try. i'll try..

so its a joke, huh. lets all haf uncontrollable laughter then, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. =)

everything's sort of beginning to blur already. this sucks. the j1s set off for taman negara today,. their itenary is much better then ours was. but i wont trade my memories of endau rompin, not for the world. not for anything at all

i miss everything. but it seems nothing misses me. haha. the cliches tt always ring true. id rather they didnt..

time heals everything. its a fact. the thing is how you walk through all the hurt as you're forced to let go, little by little. they call it the onion life, arthur golden wrote. peel off layer by layer, crying all the time. at the end the sadness is gone, and all that's left is a sort of numbness. and then betrayal reigns its head and you just sort of stare at it. surprise, surprise. nothing surprises anymore, maybe nothing ever will

2005-11-26T23:07:00.000+08:00

when you look at yourself in the mirror, what is the first thing you look at?
my fats. haha

how much cash do you have on you today?
15. im like negative 120 now. lol

what word rhymes with "test?"
pest

favourite plant?
white lilies

who is the fourth person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
hx

what is the main ringtone on your cell phone?
tong hua

what shirt are you wearing?
zouk out security shirt, complimentary of vuisin. lol

do you label yourself?
huh?

brand of shoes you're currently wearing?
scott. is those nobrand brand.

bright or dark room?
neither. just neutral colours.

what were you doing at midnight last night?
eating fries at fishermen's village. n potato wedges. tt is soo gonna help my diet. lol

what was the last text message you received on your cell phone?
frm siewfang saying lets meet next weekday instd

do you ever click on "pop ups" or banners?
obviously not.

what's a saying that you say a lot?
yao le guan de mian dui mei yi tian~! (face everyday with optimism)

who told you they love you last?
cant rem le lol..

last furry thing you touched?
this boa thingy on a dress

how many drugs have you done in the past three days?
none

how many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
none

favorite age you have been so far?
16 or 17. close fight

your worst enemy?
cliche, but myself.

what is your current desktop picture?
the packard bell default one. ever since the motherfucker hacker appeared, no one bothered with such stuffs anymore. its a blessing to be able to use e com at all.

what was the last thing you said to someone?
i asked my sister to hurry up coz i wan to use the toilet.

if you have to choose between 1,000,000 bucks or to be able to change a major regret?
the cash. cause i need it n cos regrets stem frm decisions tt seemed right then. we all need lessons like tt to slap us when we need it. reality check saturation

do you like someone?
yes n i wish i didnt.

the last song you listened to?
the chicken little song n i think it sucks. no offense hole lol

people i hope to see do this quiz?
nab n grace haf both done it.

2005-11-26T09:44:00.000+08:00

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha . . . . sooo f u n n y siiiaaaaa. joke right? yaloh. im laughing. soooooo funnyyyyyyyyyyy

2005-11-25T00:40:00.000+08:00

first things first. A LEVELS ARE OVER. O V E R. KAPUT.

gothic wasnt as good as i'd have liked it to be, but guess can't ask for anything more than ok ba, since i spent the last 2 days running ard looking for a job. hope i'll get an assignment b4 prom, i need the cash bad.

bought memoirs of a geisha w e bk vouchers ms kon n ms khainu gave. it's a wonderful read so far, still at e 1st few chapters. i think im addicted to reading. no. i am addicted to reading. lol.

i don't know. i just feel sometimes that im this great big baddie i totally hate, and at other times its still ok. i duno. maybe ive too much brain space nw, nothing better to do than to dissect my self. i'll never end. seriously

of course i wont give the bookmark, don b dumb la. lol. i'll prob keep it. 4ever n ever, haas...

i like national day songs. don ask me why, i just do. and i like the eeyore mug at bugis. so if anyone feels like buying sth for me, its 11.9o =)

anyhoos. the future's sort of blank now, so im in no mood for the thinking stuff. interview tml at 11 for banquet; joel quit coz it's too xiong. cant imagine hw it will b for me. hope i'll cope. hope i'll pass. hope everything goes ok. fingers crossed, all 2o of them. i didnt know not every1 can do it easily. practice makes perfect haa

i forgot she existed till she coughed. and somehow i hope she didn't, so i wouldn't be reminded of it. i don't know. i know i'm bad, rather black. i know. seemingly complete white circles are never just as that. they will have the buffer of black somewhere.

definitely.

2005-11-23T21:16:00.000+08:00

the feeling of rejection sucks. haha.....

2005-11-22T00:01:00.000+08:00

i hope it goes through. i hope it goes through. i really really really hope it goes through.

2005-11-21T06:45:00.000+08:00

haha ok since grace did it coz nab tagged me n since she tagged me too i shall do this. lol

7 things i wanna do before i die
-BUNGEE JUMP
-go backpacking w siew fang!
-go to paris/venice/egypt n visit everything. haha
-go for at least 1 more ocip
-jump off another (taller) tree into (deeper) waters
-write a book (even if its nt published)
-skydive

7 celebrity crushes
-EDISON CHEN
-jay chou!
-legolas. i duno wads his real name. but he's e first long-haired guy im nt turned off by, so ya. ha
-e guard in the longest yard. i duno his name either lol
-errr..duno
-edisonchenjaychou
-jaychouedisonchen

7 often repeated phrases
-SPASTIC
-ohmygod!
-seriously
-bloody hell
-okaaaaay
-huh
-what a turn off

7 traits i look for in an opposite sex
-the click
-zi bi haha
-height (18o is the best ht. ever.)
-skin tone
-smart. wit is a bonus, ha
-nice legs!! hahahahahahaahhahahahhahahhaah
-nice lips LOL

7 facts about myself
-im patriotic
-i love my friends n family except some
-i love food
-i like lit
-i get happy/touched v v easily
-tall is seh. 'nuff said LOL
-i am s p e c i a l hahaha

7 pple this tag goes to
-dear hole~
-enhui! haha
-acbc gang
-zzpy
-siewfang
-si teng
-myself. i rock. haha

5 reminders to end this entry
-smile everyday at least once
-love ureself; if you don't, who will? (complimentary of shell e stupidwoman)
-silver lining in every cloud. really
-appreciate the small things in life, you'll b much happier
-think of me everyday! hahahahahahahhahaha

2005-11-20T12:53:00.000+08:00

they build you up so they can tear you down, buy your dreams so they can sell your soul

there're times you should just leave, i know that. i knew that, really. so this is sort of like the anti-thesis too; that you choose to act the opposite way, they'll just say you're stupid. dumb. not worth sympathy. but i never wanted sympathy anyway. and they would know how i feel if they were me. and they are not, so maybe they should just shut.

or maybe it's time i don't look from where i am, since it's not working, has never worked. is ok though, the end is near, and another beginning will arrive very soon. meantime, i'll deal. if i had already for so long, a little more won't hurt

much

2005-11-19T10:53:00.000+08:00

there's tons to say, to talk about, to speak of, to pen down. tons, really. it's just a wonder how i can forget every single one of them the moment i get to the 'create post' page. seriously.

anyhoos. stumbled across this person's friendster page (it can be fun really, exploring it) and i think the caption to one of her pics is v nice eh. 'it takes only one tree to make a thousand matches. it takes only one match to burn a thousand trees'. haha. the precise depiction of our wonderous world. beauteous death, she said. maybe so? we'll all find out soon enough. i guess. it's just that sometimes things never seem to be good enough, is it not. we should all be banged over the head, learn to start appreciating the things, the people around us. yeahyeah, words. how difficult can it be to say them, how easy can it be to practice them.

will be meeting odacians ltr. odac!!!!!! haha. maybe elaine n i r gg to mke a 'i love odac' shirt together. yes its damn spastic, but isnt that the point? lol. im gonna miss all of these la. seriously. but that's another story for another time. what was i gonna say ah

oh ya. attempting to recall what i wanted to say. nope, havent reached it yet. the above are all ramblings. lol. i think i shld get another diary (i have 6). blogging is different somehow. maybe cause there r people reading it? i don't know. cause the things or thoughts hit me when im away from the computer, mostly. and i forget all about it a few moments after. what a waste! i could be the next big writer/novelist/scriptwriter/poet if i had just written them down!! pui man!!!! hahahahahahahahaha

blindfold game. they blindfold you, and you have to count to ten. there's no fear, cause the sea breeze is light and the waves are gentle. so 99, and then 100. you remove the cloth, and realise you're back inside again, with a rusty fan blowing and a tv commercial playing. people running by the sea, getting shot. revolver234, the best you can ever get. no chair, and so you sit on the floor. it's not cold, just..blank. the walls are blank, the room is blank, the view is blank, and then you start to feel it. the blank. and so nothingness expands and all else fades, and you become this space. little else..

2005-11-19T00:20:00.000+08:00

when we were young, my siblings and i were superglue to our dad. as in seriously seriously superglued. cause he'd go with his friend to malaysia to collect rent for the property his friend has there, and also to do some shopping for (of all things) dried foodstuffs and 3-for-10-ringgit shorts for all of us sometimes, 3 days at a go. and we'd all cry like crazy when he went. those pull-his-pants-and-bawl kind of cry. so when he's gone, it's always the same. we'll dig out all the photographs we have of him and start crying to the photos, going "paPAAAAA" to the pictures and stroking his face in the picture. then when he returns, we'll all jump for joy and scream and go "paPAAAAAAAAAA" again. and it's exactly the same, every single time. hahaha

the things my brother brings up ah, seriously can. lol. stupid sia, really damn stupid. the childhood i had sia..hahaha... but it's nice la, to remember such things once in a while. my brother is damn smelly la, his shit is unbeatable as is his fart and morning breath, but without him ah..this house really no life ah. lol. den my sister. whoa. her fashion sense sucks to the CORE. and shes damn auntie, as in those 3-for-1o-dollar-shirts kind of auntie. n she likes 5566, who all look like fishmongers can. ok la only tt sun xie zhi. haha. but same la. without her..ya lorhs. duno y sudd think of all these also. haha. maybe coz exams ending haf alot of free space to think with le, lol.

i understand what she meant le, why she said blank is worse than hate. cause i'm sort of beginning to feel it already. this blank, just sort of void where the hate used to be. it's better though, i think. cause hate's tiring, and difficult to keep up. at least when i feel nothing, it's okay to talk and maybe even laugh sometimes. cause it doesn't matter anymore, whether i talk to her or not, and whether she's at home or not. or even if she's here at all or not, in all respects. so does that count as bad? black? i don't know. i just know that it's becoming more opaque, with every cough i hear and every sight i catch of her. this blank black. yup, that's what it is. blank black. nothingness of darkness.

i love alot, just not everyone.

2005-11-18T11:00:00.000+08:00

just cant wait to leave this place. it's getting suckier by the moment.

2005-11-17T23:22:00.000+08:00

ok. because i need my brains for tml's pc paper, this shall be a what-i-did-today entry. lol

well i did a whole load of zilch the whole day, unless you count talking to cheryl about peoples and friends and crushes and boyfriendstuffs. went with her n zaf to geylang to tailor-make her prom dress, and i think it is going to be damn nice can. ha. den ate da mai (no more or bi bay alr) n came home. tada. ya a levels like finish alr ah, no need to stdy one sia. slacker, pui! but i think pc shld b ok la. hahas.. fingers crossed.

anw was talking abt dyeing hair for prom den sudd felt this urge to go dye my hair. den rem shell said i suit those red shades, so go c ah. den saw this colour i think is damn nice, is those dark red kind. not bold or anything ah. so ok, decided to dye wif shell's help (what r best friends for but to help each other dye hair right? haha), and got super-duper excited, coz ive never dyed my hair. e v e r. so ok. came home n told my dad, and he said no, cannot dye. so i asked why?

he said my hair will be spoilt by the chemicals.

-_______________-

at least if he said sth like oh you will look like a bad girl or sth like tt i can understand, really. its the whole generation gap thing right. but no! being the ohsounqiue individual, he got all riled up. cause of the essential health of my hair. and he started telling me abt his friend who had this disastrous allergy to hair dye. and prior to this he was saying i shldnt bring in other pple, cause i was saying hw practically every1 is dyeing their hair, even my cousin frm hc, n not to mention all e frens ah. den he say don talk abt other pple. den i was like eh u say don talk abt other pple den y u can talk abt ure friend? den he was like "WHOA but my friend dye his hair then..." i didnt let him finish. i just said you can say ure tt 1 friend who dye hair got prob, helLo i can tell u abt a few hundred pple who don get anything when they dye their hair can. seriously. nim ok wif nt dyeing my hair. but im not ok with e fact tt my dad doesnt wan me to dye coz he is scared that my hair will be spoilt. -________-""""

anw i will never say it out, ive decided. no point also right. just let it go la ah? (sounds familiar cheryl? lol) yahs.. so i guess jus don dye ba. aft all my dad seldom don like me to do stuff, so..just listen to him loh. BUT BUT im not gg to let him know. haha. let him smoke inside thinking abt hw to convince his stubborn daughter who is just as stubborn as him. lol! who ask him so stubborn, if he wasnt i wouldnt b either. but stubborn is character, LEH! hahaha. k la. headache alr. must have thought too much today. bz la bz la, got a lit paper to ace tml one okay! hahaha. but seriously ah, if i don get aab...........i duno ah. dowan to think abt it.

so ya la. some things.. just let it go la, ah?

2005-11-16T23:20:00.000+08:00

james blunt's beautiful is v nice.

its sort of like emotional overload; not katharsis literally of course, just.. i don't know. suddenly it's odac and ocip and everything else rolled into one. and the song ends; i'll never be with you. but maybe that shouldn't be the focus, not anymore. just shows, like how maybe getting together isn't the point, shouldn't be the point, in the first place. cause all meetings end in partings, all happiness in tears. not that what la, just.. fact ba. i guess. its true what, everything's gonna end after all this. yes we can prolong it, yes we can talk about it, but it's over. period...

it's gg to b over soon, 2 papers left. so glad tt wed is over. lol.. the heels, the clothes, the tanning, the bitching talking laughing singing walking we'll all do. of course, the jolt to reality too. but no matter, it's the money that matters. because if you were me you would understand, because if you knew me you would trust me, and because i don't lie to you. so don't lie to me.

erm..the last part sort of just came out. nothing to do with me. lol. have been having these bouts of words recently. sudden inspirations of random thoughts..

things can really suck, because the things people do to you can really, really suck. and you never understand why they do the things they do, the way they do it. it's not that reciprocation of consideration is expected, but at least some semblance of it. at least some semblance of it.

2005-11-14T12:46:00.000+08:00

is ok. doesn't matter..

5 down, 5 to go. some things are quite stupid to be like that about. it's just too bad that all of us are the same then

2005-11-10T13:46:00.000+08:00

the same song is playing, over and over again and

when the thoughts flow into each other, to form an intangible mess of mass
when the envy and the greed and the jealousy reign and overthrow all else
when the desire to run, to run and never come back, is stronger than ever
when everything seems so unfair, so unachievable, and peace is so far away
when the night stifles, and all hope crumbles, and i feel like i'm falling down, ceaselessly

please lend me your hand;

just a little while will do..

2005-11-05T02:17:00.000+08:00

shit happens, as does life. i hate my mother too. she's in the freaking hospital and the first freaking thing i'm telling this to is my blog. yes i haven't been to see her, or call her, or sms her, or ask about her. because maybe i'm tired of this love-hate thing i feel. maybe i wish things would go back to when she wasn't here but i knnew she was in heart, than to see her and know she isn't. maybe i like having some quiet without perpetually teary complaints of love or work or life or old age or anything. maybe i prefer things this way. maybe i'll never marry ever, not because of feminist shits, but just because. maybe nothing's worth it, all these crying and hurt and pushing back to the rear of the mind. maybe i want to stay here forever, pre-exam period, so nobody can bother me. maybe i'll really walk away one day.

and maybe i'll never come back. ever.

2005-11-03T01:29:00.000+08:00

screams, shouts, penknife cutting games, self-stapled thumbs, hittings,canings, late night quarrels, loanshark writings on the walls of lifts and staircase landings, drunks walking ard, homeless people sleeping at void decks, drug addicts injecting themselves.. my childhood was happy, but my childhood had all these too. the ironies, the ironies...

cause when you are with me, i'm free, i'm careless, i believe; but we both know i'm not what you need. so life goes on, things go on, people move on, as do memories fade, promises cease to matter, and people forgotten

5 days left for it to start. 21 for it to end. 29 days to prom. and after that, all's a blank. we'll go our ways, meet new people, do new stuff, and just the rest of it that will let us all drift apart, become different us-es. i can't wait, but somehow i can. and can't. and can. no matter; fact is, i'll deal. we all do, eventually. so we'll see

we'll see.

2005-10-24T17:40:00.000+08:00

maybe i'll take to writing poems instead, strings of thoughts worded in random arrangements on the backs of the many many follscap paper backs i have, simple attempts at profound complexity. i remember i had a lot to say, but nothing seems to be coming through now. nothing new, nothing good, nothing worth knowing

let's wish us all simple happiness, maybe after all these, maybe never ever. maybe we'll just stand together and sing, keep on singing, until all the hurt and all the pain fades away and all that's left is the tingling you feel when you've sung too much and ran too far

2005-10-24T01:02:00.001+08:00

i typed what i wanted to say 3 times over le. the bloody fucker is not stopping. so here goes.

i hope you get 59 years of constipation and very very very painful one at that and let you love to eat whatever lets you come out in hives and sleep wonderfully but wake up in a pool of your own drool and bathe with happiness but discover you didnt bring clean clothes to the toilet and all your clothes are in the laundry and eat lunch and discover that you didnt bring enough money to eat and take buses and have someone sit beside you who farts every 15 seconds and smells like a vegetable farm and has a hat with feathers tt tickles you and hums the song you hate most and get off the stop and see your crush but you are wearing your ugliest outfit and as you say hi your shoe comes off. i'll add on as i go along. battle of the wits, winner of the fits. nonsensical but who cares, have a nice day! hahaha

2005-10-24T00:42:00.000+08:00

i don't know. it's just so amazing how differently we all think. i think. by the way i will seriously die without food. and i am seriously seriously fat. i think i'll look like a whale in shell's dress. or worse. or worst. -_-

and it doesn't help tt there's this bloody virus in the com tt lets idunowho take over it for a few moments at a time. if you can read this, and im typing it for the second time cause you kindly made me do so with the back spaces in webpages and all, i shall not ask you to go away. i shall very kindly ask you to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY COMPUTER BEFORE I CURSE YOU TO THE ETERNITY OF PERMANENT AND VERY VERY VERY PAINFUL CONSTIPATION FOR THE REST OF YOUR PATHETIC LIFE. =)

oh yes by the way i am v-e-r-y stressed. so anyone who wants to keep clear of the warpath, feel free to do so. i give a killer punch, just for information. =)

the beauty of sarcasm, ahh. all right, i'll be gone before the BLOODY ASSHOLE does it again. have a nice day~ ^^

2005-10-22T00:42:00.000+08:00

walking is good. i like walking. the blisters hurt though. maybe i haven't been walking for too long a time, kind of forgot the feeling alr. i haven't been doing alot of things i used to do late;y, even these past 2 years. everything's going to end, everything. real soon, real soon. in the meantime, let's all go back to poring over books and frantically trying to get inspiration about a prose piece about supermarkets in the middle of macdonald's with wailing children and loud obasans. ahhh, this wonderful thing we call jc life. lol.. gonna miss it though, but that's another story. study hard everyone, let's all get good grades together. =)

2005-10-20T00:29:00.000+08:00

stupid shits. the problem is that ignorance is a must. and that will always be the only and inevitable problem. 3 weeks left to a levels. end of examinations, end of academic education, end of wearing uniform, end of having pe ever again, end of assembly, end of cme, end of..ya. end of everything.

cause when you are with me, i'm free; i'm careless, i believe
above all the others, we'll fly
this brings tears to my eyes; my sacrifice . .

2005-10-15T20:41:00.000+08:00

leave me be.

2005-10-15T01:39:00.000+08:00

it's like everything and nothing seems true and flase at the same time; so do you trust the words, the tears, or the person? i seriously don't know..somehow it seems more and more impossible to let everyone be happy. the passage from the book ru was reading is not untrue; we should all believe in magic, trust in miracles, and the like. but as to how we can do that in face of..ya, practically everything, i seriously have no inkling. i'm so..cottonwooled by all these stuffs. as in you know like your head is suddenly cotton candyland, yeah. that's the feeling. somedays i wish i was unreachable, then the links won't be so confusing. because when it boils down to making an absolute choice, you have no idea how completely wonderful i feel. almost as much as i love fruits.

let there be a sky from the florist, day break like a cool dream. little more than subtle sunshine and soft bubbles that can take you to faraway places

2005-10-10T23:54:00.000+08:00

i want to faint already. seriously.. there are too many ultimate stunners in my life. i want stability can. -_-. it's funny if you look at it from another point of view, as shown aptly by the laughter. but not when you're me. so yes, it's not funny. -_-. whatever.. tml's another day.

im very happy with lit though. 3rd in cohort. heh heh hehs. congrats to nab the hole who always thinks her lit is not good enough, yaaa sooo lousy until first in cohort ah hole. stupid girl. lol. congrats~ ^^

ok let's all have a nice day tml ok. a nice stable predictable day with no stunners.

2005-10-07T22:55:00.000+08:00

have you ever felt that something was a nice change? lol.. it's funny how stuffs work, isn't it. buttons all over the place, and suddenly only the yellow one's nice. another cup of grape, please. by the way the guy crossing the road infront just now? his pants was the wrong colour.

randomity. randomness. pure chance. either way, order seems so far away when the mind just drifts, and more. but it all makes sense, even if in a weird way. but that's the way we all are, isn't it, weird. plain..i don't know. plain blah. lol. somehow the word seems to have caught

a month left, roughly. it's starting to get scary. cause if we don't get there..where are we supposed to go to? pui. shall not think about those. no negative thoughts. think happy, think happy

by the way, i'm getting horrendously fat. as in lets-go-donate-some-to-the-whales fat. if you get what i mean. no matter, the women's day out will help (i hope) (it better, or i'm dead)

well, i'll have to save gothic thoughts for the gothic paper. i need the extra help, if i'm getting that a that is. ha. wish us all luck, luckluckluckluckluckluckluck. i'm glad people change for the better, even if that doesn't apply to everyone. as long as there're enough, the sunshine will be brighter and warmer everyday. remember to smile ok. =)

it doesn't matter if you feel they don't care sometimes, even the ones you thought were true. and even if we never meet and never talk, believe in our friendship, because i'll always be with you~ ^^

tke cres pple. hehs

2005-10-05T23:15:00.000+08:00

i don't like things like that. i really don't like.

2005-09-27T17:15:00.000+08:00

everything's settled. im going for prom. all i have to worry now is about my results. =)

papers so far still largely ok, though nothing spectacular has turned up. hope there will be ba.. we'll see

i love all of you to bits. ^^

2005-09-24T12:55:00.000+08:00

there couldnt be a worse time. a month from the As, and the period after prelims at that. there really couldnt be a worse time. i guess i'll just have to deal

not that there's another choice anyway

and i hope

2005-09-22T12:49:00.000+08:00

i have 272 posts as of now; the number seems familiar, duno where i came across it. club momo is the place the party's at tonight; i just found out that it's organised by beautifulpeople.net .. the place was not bad ba, just that some of the music abit spastic. like chilli chacha kind, only chilli chacha's nice. LOL

anyhows i think that some stuff are abit saddening ah haas. maybe is really like that, maybe its just me. i just think that it gets a tad difficult to see if some people really care? cause i want to belive so, no; because i do believe so, but it's just..when so many things seem to point the other way,..yala. lidat loh

i wan to thanks siewfang for reminding me of odac last night when i was waiting to get into the club can. how spastic is that to think of odac at this kind of time. lol... it's true la, all e things i replied her in the sms, but..it's still v saddening ah. that everything will never happen ever ever again. and it's so hard to let it go, to let the next batch take the rein. technically they have, but.. i think i still haven't ah. let go, i mean. i almost typed letted go. letted go.

canon in d is damn nice. i have decided that i want it to be played on my wedding day. better yet, my husband -to- be to play it. oh-my-gard. that will be the Ultimate Stunner. lol

ms tan's webby got all e stuffs abt e collapsed timetable for econs le, lectures and stuff. and another essay to do for practice. i am in denial now, i shall not look at it until sunday. lol.

just a bowl of instant noodles will do. it will more than do, it really will more than do

2005-09-21T11:53:00.000+08:00

i received an invitation from the rsaf for this seminar thing on 1 oct. that's the day of hx's pop at ocs, but tt's not e point. the point is do i really wanna be in the air force? this is so stunning can, thinking about the far far future. i think i need to shit already. lol..

2005-09-20T12:28:00.000+08:00

i had a horrible nightmare last night. i was the wife of this middle east man, and we lived together in a small one storey house with a small garden. then suddenly this group of men just pulled my husband out into the garden and killed him. i remember he was tortured to death, but i cant remember what they did exactly. and then the scene switched; they had caught the leader of the gang who had killed my husband. then my brother-in-law cut the murderer's thing, and started shoving something repeatedly at the open wound of the man. his screams were... i knew that he was the person who had caused my husband the most horrible of deaths, but..i dont know. it was horrible, horrible.

and then i woke. it was the day of maths prelim paper, and it was 745am, 15 minutes before the exam. well done. lol..at least the paper wasnt that difficult, though i lost a whole 10 marks , left it blank. but ohwells. im glad that it's over.!! even if only for a while, haa.

anyhows. im off to meet cass soon, just wanted to take down the nightmare. it was seriously freaky can. it's like the antithesis of desensitisation. or more. i dont know.. it would be hell to be a woman living in the middle east. i know that now, i seriously seriously know that now. and i am damn glad that it was just a dream. for others though, that is their life..it's just horrendous.

cherish that you are where you are, because there are countless worse places to be, places beyond your imagination, where tears are only reminders of the sick joke that is your life.

tke cres pple

2005-09-17T21:49:00.000+08:00

the essence of loneliness, woven between each strand of bright orange thread. in and out, the needle goes, as it pierces skin and cloth alike. she's smiling, still smiling, even as the needle makes yet another entrance into her already scarred arm. they said to be optimistic, they said to be happy. so the weaving goes on, the loneliness goes on. all of it invisible to the eye, mind. that's all what the colours are for, to present the happiest, most self-sufficient of fronts. falsity is not a way of life; it is life.

2005-09-16T18:47:00.000+08:00

i miss obs. alot. cant stand it, lol..

2005-09-16T00:05:00.000+08:00

you have to trust me, you must. i am not a hypocrite, and i am not dishonest. so you have to trust me, you really have to trust me...

the country wife

2005-09-14T22:43:00.001+08:00

i wrote this mini stack of notes for country wife, cause it's my weakest text. so i have this whole list of categories according to characterisation, character development, representation of characters, choronological play out of themes, and the eventual critique of society. i finished at about 1am that day. so the exam for paper one is tml.

and i just discovered that i lost it. all these notes ive written.

i feel so wonderful!!!!!!!!!

the country wife

2005-09-14T22:43:00.000+08:00

2005-09-13T22:12:00.000+08:00

didnt realise 2 days jus lidat pass le, haas...i have done absolutely nothing frm e mo i reach hm until now. econs tomorrow. jitao stunned can. duno la.. it's the second type of burn out tt im having, not the normal kind. lol.. which is seriously damn spastic. and i ate another mooncake, so ive eaten seven. i can feel the fats getting a whole life of their own le can. well done.

2005-09-11T23:16:00.000+08:00

the preliminary advanced level examinations will commence in approximately 9 hours. jitao stunned. and i am hungry. well done. lol.. wish me luck! luckluckluckluckluck..~

2005-09-11T23:07:00.000+08:00

seriously if you hate a school so much, it's probably cause you dont mean a shit to anyone and that bothers you. obviously if results are the only consideration in measuring your attachment, that says something about you can. seriously. a truly hardworking person doesnt need a mugger environment in order to mug, and please dont contradict yourself can. you say the school is a bloody shithole in different words, then go on to say you are the top 25% , and anyway i dont see whats the big fuck about top 25% can. if youre top 25 den ya maybe. come on loh. the truly wealthy man hides his riches and the cunning gamester his play (i forgot the exact quote). some people are so stunningly sparkish, it is just saddening. and no one has the right to call another person fucking dumb. so what now self-worth is built on academic results? come on man. oh ya forgot ah, theres nothing else to measure up against, because you dont mean a SHIT to anyone in tpjc.

=)

2005-09-10T23:33:00.000+08:00

and my computer is another bloody turn off. seriously can. i am so excited by the turn offs coming one after another. this is So Wonderful. i want to thanks everything.

i wasnt thinking so much about clubbing, just a chance to meet up and look nice (or try to, bah.) with them again. now i cant wait. finally a place with loud music and no one complaining and no one talking and everyone minding their own freaking business for a freaking change.

and yes, im the person they all say is always laughing, full of happiness. i am, i am Damn Happy. seriously. wonderful. =)

2005-09-10T23:21:00.000+08:00

i want to watch quidam. i want to watch peter pan. i want to have lots and lots of money to spend. i want to not be fat. i want to forget everything i should forget. i want to get into ocs. i want to be a fighter pilot. i want to march in the ndp parade. i want to wear np's first u. i want to be in the goh contingent. i want to go to disneyland. i want to meet tinkerbell. i want to learn how to play canon in d on the piano. i want to belong in that kind of world. i want to learn dance. i want to get aab. i want to be able to sing. i want to learn how to play the guitar. i want to be in npcc forever. i want to be in odac forever. i know i cant.

life sucks.

i think im going crazy, and i havent even started getting the focus yet. 1 day left to prelims, lets celebrate woohoowonderfulfantasticcantstanditjitaostunned

guys are complete turn offs. seriously.

Bah

2005-09-10T02:51:00.000+08:00

ive barely finished country wife today. seriously. all the hypocrisy critique immorality critique naivety through ignorance not innocence thingy can really make you go raving mad. and it doesnt help that ive just eaten (another) mooncake, at yes 2+ am in the freaking morning. so i have officially eaten 5 mooncakes in 2 weeks. 1 1/2, to be exact. well done, my face is going to look like a pandan snowskin soon. with single yolk, thanks. =)

millenia walk's bk has quite a condusive environment to study in, but the distance is a serious turn off. it doesnt help that you have to cross this bloody dangerous road and your friend laughs at you and says you look like a auntie when you are half freaked out for your life and hers (i want to thanks u can siewfang.lol), and then this angmoh who is also crossing the road turns and gives a you-are-so-gayan smile too. thanks. and did i mention the opposite road is FILLED with people? ya. the opposite road was FILLED with people. i want to thanks everyone can. but at least i didnt walk into a glass wall, HA

and no, im not very happy, ive just gone mad with stress, so i am officially a lunatic now. seriously can, lol.

and no, having ms kon tell you tt you gotta hit a minimum doesnt really help, especially since she is so stunned tt i havent started on cty wife revision (this morn anw). not mentioning a&c, or silas marner, or p8 (which is on mon, omg everything is so thanking), or gothic. and nope, not gonna say tt that's only for lit, there's still econs and maths, nope, not going there, not going there at all. ok tt sounds abit too much like her. lol

and yes, i have absolutely zero intellectual capacity left to come up with anything tt has some semblance of well, ya. intellectual capacity. and yes that can be used as evidence to support itself. thanks. lol. i am so thanking, everything is so thanking, everyone is so thanking.

oh ya im getting even fatter. thanks again. lets look fwd to another thanking day in another 7 thanking hours, time to do thanking revision for thanking subjects again. thanks!

lol. haf a nice day, =)

a bedtime story

2005-09-07T23:16:00.000+08:00

i've been typing and deleting various ways to go about doing this for the past half hour. cant sound whiny, you see. neither can i sound needy or weak or..ya. all the rest of it.

there is a throne, with a beautiful woman sitting on it. she is far more beautiful than the shimmering rays of the sun, the twinkling stars in the sky. she will go on looking more and more beautiful everyday, because the girl sitting under her throne continues to have hope, hope for love, for life, for freedom. it is this hope that spurs the beauty. no matter that the hope is futile; for it is unceasing. and so the girl remains as she is, and the allure of the woman is eternal.

because white only ends in tears
because gray holds remnants of the past
because black is the only way the hurt wont get through

katharsis

2005-09-05T23:34:00.000+08:00

i find it quite hard to say some things out, even acknowledge them. cause i have this anti-weakness thing. no crying, no breaking down, no appearing affected, no unhappiness, no calling for help, just..ya. no everything. so criteria must be fulfilled for this this this and this. and i must win myself in every round, improve for ever and always. for my family my friends my teachers myself. get inside elitist circles be one and be proud of it. so it doesnt exactly help when like at this point of time when im succeeding in looking sophisticated and strong and infallible and untouchable that i know someone still has hopes for me, hasnt given up. even after like all those times..i dont know. maybe im just..not used to it. to this. to this..holding on, somehow. of course im not an angsty teenager or a gothic freak or a depressed soul or anything, im just me and the patches i go through have been gone through before. it's just..i dont know. ha. everyone is always okay, its only a choice of whether you choose to be okay or not, and who you choose not to be okay in front of. i choose to be okay, i always choose to be okay. just dont throw things at me out of the blue, and i'll deal. somehow i will. i dont really like know the point of this entry, cause after the sms and after watching that part of the show, it just hits me, you know. that some people actually do care, maybe not obviously and maybe not enough to me, but they care. they do..and thats what makes it all the more frightening, having to deal with myself and my expectations, and having all these hopes to carry along too. cause if i fail, it wont only be me falling, it'll be all of them too..and that would really, really, really suck.

i'm going for a walk.

narcissism

2005-09-05T19:15:00.000+08:00

i want to go watch the peter pan musical, and quidam by cirque de soleil. anyone who suddenly decides that they love me unbearably can treat me to one, or the other, or both. =)

all the dreams come true, all the dreams come true.. i told her that happy dreams are often the opposite of reality; which is true, well for me anyway. but when i heard of that dream..i wished that dreams came true. wishes, i once asked a few people; should wishes come true? should they come true? i still have no idea. oh well.. we'll see, i guess

snowskin mooncakes, snowskin mooncakes..!! lol

2005-09-03T22:56:00.000+08:00

i guess there's sort of overload for everything. cause i cant exactly think anymore, which is very spastic yes i know, thankyouverymuch. so in the midst of eating more mooncakes (i like pandan snowskin lotus paste or white lotus paste with yolk btw, im ok if anyone wanna buy me some LOL) and stealing more of my sis's f&n grape and drinking those chinese medicine hall sell e chrysanthemum tea or honey lemon tea (eastlink mall, a bottle for ard 1.5o, highly recommended). and well done, i forgot what i was trying to say. oh ya the shop e2 is very spastic, its supposed to sell lingerie but they're selling socks now too. i bought 4 pairs anw, it's a pair for a dollar. and i have new studs in pink new studs in black and white new pencil case new foolscap and i ate rotiboy just now after a thousand years. and i still dont rem the point i was trying to make.

so ya basically im getting more and more inefficient, and fatter and fatter. and im actually most prob gg clubbing w grace n shell they all after prelims. yes, AFTER prelims. as in a MONTH before As. well done. hahahahaha

anyway. i think im not intellectual anymore. thats quite saddening actually, cause my blog will correspondingly get more and more boring, and becoming more of a daily record of, ya, days, rather than a collection of thoughts arising from different circumstances. or something. i duno. maybe its the pencil case. its polka dotted. so im becoming dotty with my pencil case? ok that sounds so spastic. next paragraph!

kept playing love like it was just a game, then turn around and leave again

i watched initial d again jus now; boy got e dvd from dunowho. edison chen is DAMN CUTE. jay chou is DAMN COOL. shawn yue is DAMN HANDSOME. i Cannot Stand It; AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

hahahahhahaa. k la time to do maths. at least i like doing maths. ive drawn up my timetable for e next week, and tml is econs can. can someone pls say yucks. not that i hate it, just that doing a subject over and over again and getting lower and lower marks isnt exactly morale boosting can. bah.. at least ive put e stuffs in order to file tml

but i havent punched the holes yet. brr. and no, i duno why i decided that shld b in separate paragraphs. ok nvm, ishallthinkofbetterthingsbye. lol

love love love

2005-08-31T13:56:00.000+08:00

farewell was like a dream. haa..

she's all that, and more. that was high praise, what you said. really really high praise. especially from you.. i'm sorry that i'm not, that i never will be.

i love npcc. i love tpss. i love odac. i love tpjc. i love the drills the campcraft the camps the courses the changing parades the water parades. i love the building the climbing the dismantling the cheering the singing the kayaking the shouting the screaming the sharing. i love everything.

somehow, i cant exactly imagine my life without cca. lol..

this shit, that shit. my shit.

2005-08-27T10:08:00.000+08:00

the time now is 1o.1o, and 19th odac farewell : reminiscence will be taking place in approximately.. 9 hrs. im already getting butterflies in my stomach, dont ask me why cause ialsodonotknow.

at least we're all gonna get ready for it together, ltr at elaine's house. that will definitely be fun, all of us climbing over each other to get at the eyeliner or mascara or blue eyeshadow or green eyeshadow or put more blush more foundation comb our hair wear it up wear it down..typical bimbotic stuff. but we are not bimbos, that's for sure.

we are odacians, and we are all wonderful. lol..it will be a blast. i know that. but..it will be very saddening also. yesterday they were doing flying fox at college. the odac room whiteboard had qing tian's lyrics. Qing Tian's LYRICS.!! they're gonna sing it, and when they sing we'll all sing together and then all the stupid girls will cry together. lol..

i dreamt of sylvester last night. it was damn spastic. i shit just now, but thinking of farewell later i somehow think i need to shit again. haa, funny.

the next entry will be about odac. definitely. lol.. till then tats. =)

2005-08-24T23:01:00.000+08:00

growing up sucks.

droughts

2005-08-20T21:30:00.000+08:00

look; here she comes now,
bow down and
Stare In Wonder
oh , how we love you;

but it never was and never will be -
you dont know,
how you've betrayed me.

history

2005-08-19T21:46:00.000+08:00

suddenly, i miss ocip like crazy. it sucked, having menses in the middle of nowhere without a pad of the desirable length and the toilet being one that is a literal hole in the ground, let alone flush or toilet paper ot anything. even ubin had dustbins to throw used pads in. what was i supposed to do, go up to the head monk and wave the bloody mess infront of him? bah.

but those 8 days were some of the best i had ever had in my life; for perhaps the first time, i was really helping people, making children happy. singing, dancing, basically doing stupid things. we even skipped all the way back to our hotel rooms. yes, skipped. and held hands even. this interwined fingers of different lengths, colours, texture, joined together and swinging in unison. somehow, everything seemed right then.

and i didn't have to think so much. about the motives of people, about what they could be thinking of under the surface, about anything. because even though we knew each other only coz of ocip, we shared memories of deepest secrecy, we shared food, we walked in on each other in bear pyjamas(that was me lol), heck we even shared underwear. but it was wonderful, wonderful wonderful wonderful.

i guess that's why i like camps, overseas trips, courses. you get thrown in this totally new environment with people you probably never talked to before, and end up learning a hell lot more than just living your normal life. because we all have stories, and i remember all of the stories i heard. i always will.

whatever i always say about myself, they're all true. yes, there are exceptions, but that doesnt make them lies can. how spastic can you get, seriously. i know it's a small thing, but if you're gonna dig every word and dissect it, i dont see why i cant. please dont let it be true that you're a pure freaking loser, cause i seriously feel sorry for such people. tragic, sad phenomena of vicious cycles churning generation after generation of disillusioned shits. and seriously, the people who dont take me as i am, who dont believe i am honest?

They Dont Mean A Shit To Me.

fried rice

2005-08-19T21:06:00.000+08:00

it's been ages since the 3 of us shared food; today's dinner was $4 fried rice, divided by three. best stuff ive ever eaten. then again, i basically say that about everything i eat.

there's that feeling again, i duno. of this seeming churn of..unsaid observation, to probably imitate and possibly subvert. of course there's the wrong usage of that word, but it sort of makes sense. in a weird sort of way. so the question is, should i trust this at-the-moment instinct again? because it basically comes up alot, and it's sort of not correct every time. then again, it's not always wrong.

one thing's for sure, better to be safe than sorry.

i cant study today, not after what ms tan said. i know our class can really suck, esp for econs, in terms of attendance punctuality attitude and such. but..she said my work was rubbish. and seriously? it's the first ive gotten from a teacher, in all of the 12-odd years ive been a student. yes, rubbish. that was the word she used. i mean, that is like... i duno. so is there a point for me to continue struggling at all, or just play wheel of fortune till 4am everyday? or just..i duno. ha. joke, joke

i dont mean to be so affected, but..ya. i am, admittedly. oh well. guess i'll just have to deal.

i'll tell a story if i get an idea; somehow i like doing that. meantime, i'll go knock myself abit more inside. there isnt time for revision, let alone wallowing.

superstars

2005-08-17T22:20:00.000+08:00

and when i heard him sing i believed in fairytales, all over again

3 weeks left

2005-08-16T22:21:00.000+08:00

3 weeks to prelims. im already going to peng le, seriously.

stressded dot com

i need to scream,

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

unknowingly

2005-08-16T00:58:00.000+08:00

and then it struck, why have i never thought about it before?

to leave things be, just like that. it's not like doing anything ever helped in the correct way, isn't it. so why not just take things a (okay a few) step(s) at a time, be happy when i'm happy, be not when i'm not, and not worry about this and that, reactions thoughts opinions and whatever. cause i Am a happy person ultimately, and i don't think i should let anything or anyone change that.

i still have tons to do and its damn late im probably gonna be late again for school tomorrow (today), but if the work's all i worry about this time, things are going to be so much easier. i hope, haa.

have a good day pple

solid colours

2005-08-14T11:58:00.000+08:00

guys are so easy. they fall for sex, they fall for tears, they fall for the silent treatment, they fall for jealousy, they fall for disinterest. not all of the above tactics will work on all men - you have to mix and match.

it was a shameless act. he was trying to make gaia jealous because he was jealous of jake. unfortunately, it was working.

the things we hold are always first to go, and who's to say we wont end up,

- alone

alterations

2005-08-13T00:37:00.000+08:00

see the basic pallet is a clean sheet of blank white paper. at the sides, attached, will be different sheets of transparency, each coated with different colours representing different things. so what you do is to decide for the day which colour to follow.

what proceeds is simple; just take that particular sheet of transparency and move it from the sidelines to atop the base sheet. tada, mood for the day. now the problem with this arrangement is that with so many colours and even more shades, you often get some ambiguity from which one you take is which colour to detangling(of sorts) the desired sheet from the pile of transparencies.

because what you can see is pretty much black on both sides, what with pink and blue and green and purple and reddish brown and brownish red, it gets a little difficult to distinguish one from another. so you get impatient and decide to colour the base sheet all black, since thats the only thing you can see anyway, and then you realise that you shouldnt have done that, because the pale green was at the top all along.

but the green transparency just fades to darkness as the base sheet has become black. so all's well that ends well, no matter what colour you put on top now, all that you will see is black. wonderful. tada, masterpiece of life. insert laughter, cheers, and of course. the classic applause.

yellow whistles

2005-08-12T15:26:00.000+08:00

you must bring a whistle wherever you go, because in case of trouble you can blow it and we will come and help you.

i was like that too, still want to be. have the sheets as shileding everything else except the blue roof and green ground. nothing around except warmth and comfort of the silky strands. run and run forever before they catch me. but if i continue walking as i do now, they will be left behind with all the problems. maybe i should go back, start folding up my sheets too, fold them one by one, doing the smalltown dance and teaching it to my young in turn. i dont fear the unknowability of what is outside, im just scared i wont be able to step out of the boundaries with them in mind.

they said theres a silver lining in every cloud. please let it come out now, i wont be able to hold on alot longer. tinkerbells of the world unite, shake the dust on her. give her the help she needs so badly, give him the courage and strength. her the will and determination and perserverance, him the wisdom and maturity. as for me,

i just need space. so pray do grant it..

superstar

2005-08-12T00:10:00.000+08:00

derrick's out le. haiz, sadded..

2005-08-11T23:32:00.000+08:00

the same image is used to symbolise different things for different people of different age groups. from childhood to adulthood, the movement is characterised by an altering perspective of former solace, and it is seen how with growth comes awareness of truths that might have been better left unknown. the fence might rot, but we all know it won't. so the confinement continues, because the only alternative is to plunge into the great unknown. we all know unknown is Bad. so we shall all stay safe and keep the sheets neatly in the cupboard, think about our dreams only at night when we lie directly opposite the closed cupboard with all its blue roofs, green pastures, and such. after all, dreams are only beautifying powder on the white cloth.

i'd give you all the qing tians in the world

fat

2005-08-11T00:08:00.000+08:00

oh it be forbidden people actually watch programmes from which they learn actual lessons, oh no no. that shall not be. those being sought after will be about anorexic women prancing in 100 metre high heels and bitching their asses off, where queen bitch emerges as top anything. it doesnt matter. im not saying they dont put in work, they dont strive to reach their dreams, or the like. but surely the reason for this comparison can be seen.

i still think im fat, but i know i will never give up on food just like that, just to fit into something of a smaller size, just to not let my belayer fly (which i did, yes.)..basically just to fit into the thin category of girls. i hope no one i know does either, or anyone for that matter. there is so much more in life to worry about than some reserves, so much more really. please, please please cherish your bodies. you have no idea, no idea at all, how lucky all of us are, just to be able to live, to walk, and all the rest of it. please do appreciate that, please do

2005-08-09T23:07:00.000+08:00

i just realised that farewell is one week further than i thought. lol. well done, well done..

the parade was damn nice can. oh my gard. the goh contingetns were...stunning. haas..a few mistakes, which shouldnt have been, but overall it was wonderful. jitao stunned. damn damn damn nice. and i am going to start on np now. haha

ive always preferred drills over campcraft in np; my drills were definitely better than my tent-pitching, flagpole-tying, and stuffs. but now in odac im actually assisting in heading the pioneering committee, ive actually come to like ropes and spars much more than i did back in my secondary school days. it has been wonderful, very very wonderful, being in the odac exco, planning stuffs, having a wonderful chief who i call chief (helo chief!^^), and knowing all the wonderful wonderful wonderful friends. really, i really really love all of them alot, every single one of them. 19th odac will live inside my heart for ever.

hahahaha. happy birthday singapore! i love np! i love odac! i love singapore! and i really do, you know. oh well. those who know me know its true, those who dont know its true dont matter. have a great great day everyone~~ lalala

there was a stream

2005-08-09T11:12:00.000+08:00

have i ever said i learnt a lot of songs from np?

well, i learnt a lot of songs from np. =)

lol.

there was a stream, just a teeny-weeny stream, and the stream was on its way~ and the moon hung high in the clear blue sky and all was bright and gay~

i think there's a truckload of phlegm stuck in my throat. it sucks, seriously. especially seeing that with the way i am, having coughing fits whenever i'm worked up means i'm having coughing fits on a regular basis. i wish they'd invent some phlegm vacuum, suck it all up at a go. i coughed half my way to oblivion just to force out those 2 pathetic drops of green slime. major yuck can

happy birthday singapore~ 4o is young for a country man, seriously. damn damn young. we have a looooooong way to go..

maybe this sounds spastic, but i do actually love singapore. lol.. maybe its cause of np, i think it is ba. all the stupid courses like police knowledge, total defence..they actually helped. to instil the patriotism that all e politicians yearn for all of us to have, isnt it. so we will all stay put and stuff, instead of running all over the place. well, they have me as a member. too bad im not a rocket scientist or something, all i have in excess instead of brain power, is fats. fats, anyone? lol. anyhows. i still havent the chance to watch a national day parade, and i would really really really like to. watch the parade actually. or better, let me have a chance to be in it. or fly the plane. jump off the parachute. whatever, it wouldnt matter. so long as im part of the armed forces showcase. and im off. i can feel the fit coming.

maybe i'll invent the phlegm vacuum thingy

fairies

2005-08-08T20:51:00.000+08:00

i'm sorry i made you sad, because you know i never want to make you sad. but i'm not sorry for saying what i did, because that was the truth. and anyway.. i wasn't exactly over the moon saying it either. oh well..

i like tinkerbell. i believe in fairies. in happy endings for happy people, in protecting the things and people i love, in looking and being strong so as not to be bullied, in believing, just believing, in you, in us, in me.

journey across the earf.

2005-08-08T00:34:00.000+08:00

everytime i have this oh-damn-great idea about what to blog, i will very excitedly log in to blogspot, only to realise when i reach the create post part that i have completely forgotten what i wanted to talk about

it's true, isnt it,that we will all die. maybe for a moment there i forgot about that, forgot that it was blessing enough so many people can stay alive enough to celebrate birthdays, to prepare for farewell parties, study for examinations, save up for shopping trips..maybe this is what they were referring to when they said we all take things for granted, cause it's true, isnt it. even now, even me

we'll journey across the earf. or rather, der earf. they should implement new rules, make anyone who mispronounces stuff to spell the words as they speak it. then, i'd probably have a thousand errors in my writings. haa.. another spastic random thingy

maybe i'll just stop writing until i come to a state of mind where something actually at least halfway decent pops into my mind. oh yes, forgot about the part where i'll forget every intelligent thing i have to say. =)

stuffs

2005-08-08T00:11:00.000+08:00

there still remain some things i will hide. or rather, i will hide from some people. and you will be surprised, who these some people are. perhaps complexity is the simplest escapism that can be employed. after all, other ways rarely give a chance of hiding under the pretense of mere incongruity in thoughts. bah..whatever.

you are so wonderful, to me~
Not.

2005-08-07T23:46:00.000+08:00

i'm a happy person. but sometimes, the people bent on destroying this are the people closest to me. thanks mum. and i though i'd never say this here, but..thanks dad; you too. everyone is, it seems. great, just great

stop screaming. stop screaming before i end it all, right here right now

fever

2005-08-06T20:24:00.000+08:00

there was this time when i was in primary school, i got an extremely high fever of roughly 42 degress tog wif my sis; we were sent to e hospital. i remember i slept on the right in a bed, while she was on my left in a cot. i wanted to sleep with my sis and wouldnt stop crying for it, so the nurses carried me in next to her. we fell asleep like that, 2 little girls both down with fever. the next morning when i woke up, i was in my bed again.

on the phone, i told my father i wanted my baby blanket, and that my sister wanted her big bear. my blanket's name is xiao gai bei, small blanket in chinese. he brought both things, and we were so happy that we got our favourtie things, and so fascinated with the toys in the children's ward, i guess we forgot all about why we were there in the first place.

i have some vague memories of these ice-cold baths we were forced to take; but at least my sister was with me. even now when i'm scared, after watching a horror movies or such, i'll still hold her hand to sleep. funny how these sibling stuffs work, cause i still think her singing sucks and she still thinks im stupid for reading so much. oh well..lol

im having a fever now, 38.5 degrees to be exact. and that's after the 2 panadols i took. the feeling sucks, and this time, my xiao gai bei (which i still have) won't bring as much joy anymore. but im still glad i have that with me.. somehow i dont think i'll bear to live in the uni dorm if and when i get in. i'd miss everyone. suddenly three years sound like a lifetime..oh well. i'll deal i guess. we all do eventually, whether we admit it or not.

it just gets saddening sometimes when what you feel is not important anymore. and all we've to do is to trusten, dolly says. but that's easy to do, isn't it. to say stuffs..